I'm tired this morning and would have liked to sleep in... however summer school calls and my kid needs to be there. So, I get up, put on my shorts, and find my flip flops. I live in a cave to keep the house cool and lower the AC bill. The sun blinds me as soon as I open the garage door and I squint to see the car that has been pulled out into the driveway. We use this time to practice my 16 year olds driving skills.
Putting my seatbelt on, PJ sits quietly in the driver seat. I look at him and I'm taken aback by how much he's grown. He puts the car in drive and we're on our way. Neither of us are saying much this morning. Traffic is good and he's doing quite well. I look at him again and my thoughts start to drift.
I miss being the mom I used to be, and instantly I feel sad. Reaching over I pat his leg and tell him, I love him. He responds with "I love you too." There's a frog in my throat and tears sit on the brim of my eyes. I feel guilty and I'm not sure why? I just know I miss the mom I used to be. Divorce changed my role and 2.5 years later, I'm still adjusting.
We pull up at the school and we both get out. We walk past each other and there's this little part of me that anticipates the extension of his arms for a hug. But neither of us make the move and we simply walk past one another. I turn to him just before getting in the car, "Have a good day!" He smiles and walks through the double doors.
As I leave the parking lot I ask myself, "why didn't you hug him?" Now I feel worse. So, I drive home with an intent of understanding this sadness I feel. It's my day off and I have so much to do, so being sad will get me no where. I tell myself, "pull up them boot straps" and I automatically start to suppress my feelings. Then I remember the promise I made to myself a few months ago... (no more faking it until you make it) so I grant myself permission to feel however it is I'm feeling.
Rushed... is how I'm feeling right now. I have several things that need to be done today and I've been asked to do a little extra by taking my youngest to the park. Already I feel pressure and I'm trying to find excuses to not add anything more to my plate today. Some time at the park however, could be great for everyone, the problem is time. (And temperature)
Three years ago my life was so different. I was a stay home mom who had time to read recipes and make lots of homemade dinners, I was a mom that would plan a small picnic at the opportunity to go to the park, I was a mom that didn't feel tired all the time or scared about making enough money to support her family.
I don't make pancakes or waffles anymore. I don't play games with my kids like I used too. I struggle to stay awake during a movie... it's gotten to the point my kids will hold up a DVD and ask, "hey mom do you want to take a nap?" LOL Bless their little hearts for showing me some grace.
I miss the mom I once was. Now I pray to find a balance between then and now. My heart mourns the loss of the mom I once was... I still see glimpses of her from time to time but mostly she's busy and doesn't know how to slow down. I'm afraid that if I stop to rest, I won't have the energy to get back up. So I keep pushing and I try to add fun mom to my plate....Gawd, I miss her!
Something has to give, the question is what can? My time is limited and my baby's are not getting any younger. I don't have someone to lean on and bills have to be paid. I don't have the answers but this much I DO know… I will hug PJ when I pick him up from school and we are going to the park this evening, I may even take my camera.
I spent a fun day with a dear friend who recently married a man whom is both financially successful as well as kind and loving. It is delightful to see the people we love in happy healthy relationships. We enjoyed her new home, strolled through a picturesque victorian downtown, shared a gourmet lunch and a bit of shopping before I purchased some fresh wild caught salmon for dinner and headed home.
I was ashamed to realize that I was truly feeling envy and a rather depressing sense of failure...I started scheming about ways that we too could live in this cute, trendy town.
I arrived home to our comfortably modest home, my own wonderful and kind spouse, and my precious pets and realized that...Just like the painting below that hangs in my friends fabulous house "What We Have is Enough".
When we painted this collaboration during a team building event at Studio 116, I had no idea that one day I would read these very words and be reminded to be grateful. This reminder turned my envy into joy as I realized this fact.
The important thing....the truly successful life.... is one where love is shared. If we are blessed with and opportunity to encourage and inspire whether it be one person or all of humanity, then we have lived a successful life, and we have not just "Enough" but we have "Abundance".
Today I am grateful for the abundance of Love. The more we share love the wealthier we are in the riches that truly matter.